Words

If you are going to be a true missionary, you need to deal with your feelings and be honest about them…

The words written across the screen blurred as my eyes filled with tears and my stomach turned and churned.
The accusations were just- I had not spoken the words that were filling my heart during those days, though it wasn't about dealing with feelings, or being honest.
It was about the words.

I had not spoken the words that would have told
of how the season of living out of a suitcases and spare rooms and borrowed beds and finishing well and pressing on had left me completely exhausted;
of how a piece of my heart had just been left in a place at the edge of the prairie, with people as close as family, with memories as precious as treasure;
of how I struggled to comfort five kids when I needed to be comforted myself;
of the anxiety that was growing as we left the comfort and familiarity of home far behind to travel to an unknown land with a foreign tongue;
of how for months I had been asked to tell our story and meet new people and take risks seemingly every day and, right then, I longed to be still and I longed to be quiet.

I had not spoken the words that would have told
of the privilege of being challenged by those who have walked ahead in the past few months;
of the joy of sharing time with others called to His service day in and day out;
of the beauty of His people, the amazing spectrum of His palette, the ingenuity of His Creation;
of the comfort of the Gospel or the hope of the Resurrection in my life;
of how big and how real Grace has become to me.

I had not spoken of the words that would have said
“I am broken,” and
“I was wrong.”
“I am sorry,” and
“I am forgiven.”

I had not spoken of the Word that I was holding onto,
the encouragement of Joshua,
you know in all your hearts and in all your souls that not one word of all the good words which the LORD your God spoke concerning you has failed; all have been fulfilled for you, not one of them has failed (Joshua 23:14, NASB);

the cry of David,
My soul cleaves to the dust; revive me according to Your word (Psalm 119:25, NASB);

the wisdom of Solomon,
Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but a good word makes it glad (Proverbs 12:25, NASB).

the exhortation of Paul,
Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father. (Colossians 3:17, NASB),

or the promise of Jesus Christ,
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (John 1:1, NASB).

In his letter to Titus, Paul exhorts older women
to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. (Titus 2:3-5, NASB)

So many words then unspoken.
So many words yet to be said.

Oh does the She Speaks Conference look like an amazing opportunity!  As Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience writes-
 In North Carolina in July, there’s this gathering of Proverbs 31 women gather around their sisters women in ministry, leading, writing, speaking, and offer, “How can we serve you as you serve? How can we help you bear the risk of creating, all for His glory? How can we help you multiply the talent that He’s invested in you? How might you bury your fear in faith to keep from burying His gifts for good?”

To bear the risk of creating... for His glory?  deep breath...

Anne is offering a scholarship, and for that, in part, and also because
... I am full of words, and the Spirit within compels me.(Job 32:18)

I offer a bit of my heart today...