on 20

My groom and I married 20 years ago.
20 years.
That looks like such a long time when I see those numbers. It doesn’t really seem like it was that long ago… 

A while back, more than a couple of years ago, I was asked to share about being married at a wedding shower for a young lady from my church. Another rather newly married friend wrote on her blog and, without even knowing it, exhorted me to “break it down.” She wanted to hear more than the well-intentioned and age-old lines of “don’t let the sun go down on your wrath,” “appreciate and share in the hobbies your husband enjoys,” “speak well of him to others,” and “be forgiving.” She wanted to hear if others at times struggled with real life in the midst of that covenant vow of marriage.

I agree. Somehow, it is a comfort and an encouragement to know that others are silly, and have problems, and even crisis’s, and that my marriage is not the only one that isn’t always easy. So here’s what I wrote for that day…


Here’s the thing: my husband and I both married sinners.

The truth is, for me, maybe for some of you, being married is hard. It is a continual process of putting myself aside. In the Gospels, Matthew, Mark, and Luke all tell us about Jesus’ response to the Pharisee that asked, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind, which is the greatest commandment; and the second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Well, it doesn’t get much more neighborly than being married.
I desire to love the Lord with all my heart, and with all my soul, and with all my mind.
And I desire to love my neighbor, even my husband, as myself.

I have my husband’s permission to share a few things about each other. I made sure I asked him because I don’t want to break the rule of speaking well of my husband to others…

When we were first married, I would sometimes realize at the end of the day that the carpet needed to be vacuumed, and I’d do it. In my mind, it only takes a minute, and it’s done, and it’s clean. In his mind, its 10 o’clock, and it can wait. Makes him crazy. I really don’t do that anymore, but he still remembers it. Clearly!

My husband, to this day, but not as much as he used to perhaps, cleans his ear with an unbent paperclip. I hate that!! We all know that you shouldn’t put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear. And worse, I find these paperclips in strange and unexpected places, sometimes even whirling in the vacuum at 10 o’clock at night. Not good. My sin. My quirks. Our argument.

I have to tell you, I’m hard pressed to think of my husband’s hobby. He fixes computers. I have no interest in that, though I’m constantly grateful that he is able to do it.  For a short time, he made beer. It really smelled like a brewery in my kitchen, heck- our whole house. The bottles were all over the kitchen and made it look like we were a couple of lushes; but I will confess, the beer was good to drink. I probably don’t share his hobbies as well as I could; well, except for sharing a brew with him.

A real story. No one can hurt me more than my husband. He has at times, looked me in the eye and told me things that I never wanted to hear. Sometimes they have been things about me, spoken to me in love. Sometimes they have been true things, but spoken in anger. Sometimes they have been words of confession, causing me to really examine what love is, and to dig very deep and offer forgiveness. Because we are both sinners. And we both have put our trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. We both know forgiveness, and we both have experienced how big God’s grace is. So, he has to forgive me. And I have to forgive him. There’s the “be forgiving.”

Confession: I have, at times, not frequently, but certainly, sometimes, let the sun go down on my anger. I don’t recommend it. It’s not fun. It’s terrible to wake up in the middle of the night and feel so much pride that you scoot over to the edge of the bed so you don’t touch that sinner on the other side. It’s no easier, maybe harder, to make up the next day. If you don’t do it when you wake up, and let’s face it- not many of us are generally that repentant, you have to live with it the entire day. It’s much nicer to get the forgiving over with early, before you go to bed, and move on.

I remember so very clearly how much I was in love with my husband before he was my husband. We were separated during the four months prior to our wedding- he was at Officer Candidates School for the Navy, to become a submarine officer, in Newport, Rhode Island, and I was working in Albuquerque, New Mexico. We couldn’t talk for long on the phone. No email back then. We’d write each other letters and wax poetic about how much we missed each other and what life would be like when we were married and together. We didn’t know about late night vacuuming and paper clip ear cleaners. I missed him like crazy. I hated going to church and seeing all those families together.

And then, later down the road, we had five kids in five years, and he was gone, really gone, underwater gone, for months at a time. We were always tired. We were trying really hard, but perhaps, we didn’t always love each other as well as we could have or as well as we should have. We completely forgot our anniversary one year- we only remembered when my mom called to wish us a good day.

And now, after nearly 18 years of marriage, we are walking in step, and truly, more than ever before, have become equally yoked. We share goals and dreams and we pray together nearly every night. We wake up early together, and we hardly say a word, and we go to our separate corners for devotional time. He makes me a latte almost every morning. And with all that neat stuff, we still have quirky things that make us crazy about the other. He hates my stacks of papers and books and stuff. I hate his stinky basketball clothes, especially those wadded up socks. But that’s small stuff. We’ve worked through a lot of sin together. And we are both utterly determined to be the ones in our family that are different, to be the ones who love the Lord our God with all our heart and soul and mind and strength. The ones who love our neighbor, each other, as ourselves.

We laugh hard together, my husband and I. These days, we can even laugh about the quirks. We have a secret code, my husband and I, but it’s a hand squeeze, so you’ll never be able to tell that we’re doing it. My kids roll their eyes at us sometimes when we jokingly call each other Lovey Bear and SmoochiePoo. Their groans encourage us all the more. We have been known to Skype each other when we are working on our laptops in the same room. One day when he was working from home, sitting on his chair in the living room, I Skyped him to ask when he’d be home. “Ten minutes,” he answered. We laughed even though the kids rolled their eyes. We look forward to wedding receptions because we get to dance with each other. We’ve been doing it long enough where I usually let him lead now. Here’s some advice that seems to ridiculously obvious to young people in love- enjoy each other. Have fun. Make time for one another. Some day, down the road, you won’t be “in love” anymore. And you might need to remember that way back, you were. And it was fun. And it can be again.

What’s our primary call as women? God created us, first Eve and then women, to be helpmates. From Genesis, the Word tells us, “then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.” That’s our role as married women, to be helpmates to our husband. To do the things that the Proverbs 31 woman is praised for, to be trusted and kind; to be careful and not afraid, to be strong and generous and wise; to work with her hands; to be blessed by her children and respected by others; to fear the Lord; to be a woman of exceptional worth. We need to be mindful of how we’re spending our time, and where we are creating idols where we don’t even mean to.

Finally, that blog post reminded me of the charge that we older women have from Titus, “to teach what is good, that (we) might encourage the young women to love their husbands…” We need to not be afraid to tell stories, reverently, not as malicious gossips, as Paul just a couple verses earlier warns us against. I exhort you, young ladies, seek out those women that you know to love the Lord, and ask them their stories, and you older women- tell them! All of us need to find Godly women for counsel, and find Godly women to pray with. And we need to search the Scriptures. There is nothing new under the sun. Women have had challenges in marriage since God created Eve for Adam. The women of the Bible have experienced everything we have and more. God has given us everything we need in Scripture, and is faithful to show it to us at the right time.

So, remember to not let the sun go down on your anger; to try and appreciate your husband’s hobbies; to speak well of your husband; to be forgiving even when your inclination is not to want to do that. But also, be helpmates, and be in the Word, and be real. Break it down! Tell stories. And above all, love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. And love your neighbor, even your husband, as yourself.

(photo:  we took this picture, via self-timer, about 5 years ago, on a trip we took to raft the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon.  It was early in the morning, and I'm not so pretty, but we love this picture, nonetheless.)